


Hold On

by Winteress_Soldier



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27441097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winteress_Soldier/pseuds/Winteress_Soldier
Summary: ‘Hold on, I still need you’Maybe, saying goodbye is saying hello in disguise. Maybe for them end of something is never really the end.
Relationships: Julie Molina/Luke Patterson, Luke Patterson/Alex
Comments: 3
Kudos: 81





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of this idea when listening to the song and now I've finally finished it. I promise I have several updates coming and a possible collaboration coming up soon. Thank you so much for clicking on this and taking the time out of your day to read it. I'd suggest having some tissue's while reading. This is based on the song 'Hold On' by Chord Overstreet, the lyrics are used in this one-shot. This isn't edited so please forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this, thanks for reading.

_ ‘Loving and fighting, accusing, denying. I can’t imagine a world with you gone’ _

The love he held for his bestfriends is the only thing he’s ever been certain of, and now even that seems blurry. Now, Luke stares linger a little too long, eyes wander a little too far to stay in the realm of  _ ‘just friends’.  _ He couldn’t tell you when things changed, when those stares and lingering gazes started to mean more, only that everything hit him at once like a bucket of ice water being dumped over him. When he feels it comes hard and fast and  _ raw _ , like they’re building up inside only to explode. When they fought (which was a rare occurrence) it’s always something that’s been festering, a ticking time bomb. The fights can get aggressive, everything builds up and they don’t hold back as they tear into each other, Reggie having left with Bobby, both of them having learnt that when they went at it they needed to leave it for it to be sorted out. Something shifted, suddenly it wasn’t the same anymore. 

_ ‘The joy and the chaos, the demons we’re made of. I’d be so lost if you left me alone’ _

He wouldn’t be alive without Alex. Alex who always brought him food that wasn’t two minute noodles. Alex who spent nice freezing his ass off in the studio because Luke couldn’t go home and Alex’s parents just pretend he doesn’t exist. He  _ knows  _ he’d be lost without Alex. God they did so much stupid shit, either attempting Luke’s own newest crazy idea or trying to stop Reggie from getting arrested. Sometimes they all just find it easier to be stupid than to think about real life, it’s never gotten them anything other than pain. Reggie, it’s a miracle that Reggie grew to be the person he is, all in spite of his parents, he grew up with fighting and hatred, a little brother to Alex and Luke. Alex, the blonde grew up with religion and the homophobic ideals of his parents that kicked him out, long sleeves became a habit of his. Luke’s parents mapped his life out for him, what career he’d go into, where he’d study, that he'd actually study. He ran at 16, away from a life full of stuffy suits and depression. As time goes on it becomes harder and harder for him to remember a time where he wasn’t constantly at odds with his parents. Now at 19 he’s still haunted by the way their parents all just walked away, made him wonder if any of their parents ever really loved them, just how much of it was real if it ever was. They’re all haunted, it’s in the way Reggie flinches at raised voices or loud noises. In the way Alex still works himself into a panic attack whenever he’s told anyone he’s gay. In the way Luke expects to be berated and demeaned every time he makes a suggestion or decision. 

_ ‘I’d be so lost if you left me alone’ _

Alex saved him even if he didn’t know it. Honestly, he never would’ve made it without him. Luke’s known Alex for as he can remember, always the two of them against the world, Reggie not far behind meeting the two of them in year 2. Despite how he tried Luke couldn’t do anything when things changed, it’s not like he could stop everything from changing. While Luke can put up a good front Alex has always been the strongest with his emotions, with helping them up when they get kicked down. Alex could tell the minute shit hit the fan despite the effort Luke put into trying to hide his situation, his homelessness. Luke ran away on boxing day of 2019.

_ ‘You locked yourself in the bathroom, lying on the floor when I break through’ _

It had been a normal day, at least his new normal. Alex had begun to stay at the studio for longer and longer, Reggie had too but not as often as Alex  _ yet.  _ Luke woke up and threw a hoodie on before booking it down the street from the studio to get something for breakfast. 15 minutes later he came back, the room feeling cold and a bad feeling settling his gut as he came back inside. Alex’s bag was discarded next to the bathroom door, half open with stuff clothes spilling out. Hesitantly he raps his knuckles against the door not getting a response. A few minutes pass before he’s pounding his knuckles against the door panicking encompassing him. Getting up from the floor he starts to ram his shoulder into the door, getting more frantic as the seconds tick by. Finally he breaks through the door, the wood splintering as he barges through carelessly, consumed by panic. His heart stops at the sight of the familiar blonde collapsed lifelessly on the tiles, blood pooling around him. 

_ ‘I pull you in to feel your heartbeat, can you hear me screaming please don’t leave me’ _

He fumbled with his phone, stuttering through a report to the operator before diving towards the blonde. Alex’s chest rose and fell shakily, blood still dripping from the slit’s decorating his wrists. His normally pale skin having taken on a deathly white shade. With tears streaming down his face he tries to stop the bleeding, blood staining his clothes as he tries to fight the shakiness in his hands. It was like the whole world was on mute, like he was underwater and time had stopped, the weightlessness of it all. He vaguely remembers the paramedics showing up and shoving past him to get to Alex, he remembers lashing out as he’s dragged away from Alex desperate to get back to the one person he loved more than anything ever. He woke up 8 hours later in a hospital bed, his parents asleep in chairs beside the bed. The only coherent thought he could form was  _ ‘Alex. Hurt. Need Alex’ _ . Slowly he rips the I.V from his arm, gently detaching all the wiring connected to him and scrambling for his clothes piled neatly on the end of his bed. Haphazardly pulling the clothes on while trying his best not to wake his parents while still out of it. He manages by some miracle to not draw attention to himself and finds Alex room within an hour. He crashes once in Alex’s room, the blonde’s hand clasped tightly in his own.

_ ‘Hold on, I still want you’ _

The sound of quiet applause brings him back to the present. It’s Alex’s 19th birthday and they decided to hit up a karaoke bar to celebrate since the last few birthdays haven’t really been what you could call birthdays. Alex met Willie at the start of the year before COVID hit in march, now november going out seemed like the unquestionable choice with everything quieting down. Alex’s hand is intertwined with Willie as they sit at a table with Reggie, Flynn and Julie. Luke doesn’t think he’d ever have sung this song for Alex if Julie hadn’t given him a much needed push, she completes him differently to the way Alex does. Tears stream down the blonde’s face, the hand not threaded with Willie’s absentmindedly tracing the lines scarred into his wrist. Willie looks horrified when he spots Alex scars but the blonde’s eyes haven’t left Luke’s since the first lyrics had been sung, completely unaware that his boyfriend had seen his scars but Julie notices and follows Willie’s line of vision. Julie takes the skater's unoccupied hand in her own, eyes shining as she turns back to the stage to smile at Luke looking close to tears as he continues to sing. 

_ ‘Come back, I still need you’ _

If people couldn’t already tell by where Luke has been staring who the song is about they can now as a sob escapes Alex before he can stop it. The words he sings might as well be etched in stone, he’d always mean these words, he’d always need Alex. Hurt and confusion flicker across Willie's face as he hesitates to comfort his boyfriend, obviously piecing together that at one point Alex and Luke had been far more than friends. He just hopes Willie won’t attack rashly and ruin everything he and Alex spent so long building, something that could shatter in a second.

_ ‘Long endless highway, you’re silent beside me, driving a nightmare i can’t escape from’ _

Alex was discharged after a week, a hollow shell of what once was. The boys had all pooled their small amount of money together to buy a cheap old beat up van, the same one Luke was driving. Luke took off the first chance he got, sneaking back into the hospital each day to visit Alex, who’d finally woken up but barely spoke two words. Nothing was ever going to be what it was, something neither of them were willing or ready to accept.

_ ‘Hopelessly praying your light isn’t fading. Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones’ _

Luke spent the next six months pulling himself apart to piece Alex back together, neglecting himself for the blonde. Luke stayed by his side and helped him heal, helped him through relapses, helped him with life. One day around 4 months after Alex had been released from hospital he lost it, screaming and throwing things at Luke, hitting him away, screaming that he’d never understand, he’d never be able to help and Luke stood there. With his head down Luke took all the hits and let the blonde explode with all the emotions hed buried down over the years, pushing away his own wish to just let out his own emotions, shoving it down to focus on Alex. Luke never recovered from finding Alex, seeing his best friend like that, as the months went on the fake smiles and forced humor became instinctual. 

_ ‘They took you away on the table. I paced back and forth as you lay still’ _

For once it wasn’t Alex pacing into the ground. Everything was fuzzy, all he could remember was the doctor’s and nurses swarming as Alex was rushed into surgery. He lost hours upon hours sitting at Alex’s beside, holding his hand like a lifeline. The only sound came from the mountains of machinery connected to Alex’s frail body or the scuffing of Luke’s shoe’s against the floor echoing in the too silent room. It felt wrong, like everything had stopped, frozen in time. Alex lay looking deathly pale in the hospital bed, he’d never seen the drummer so still. 

_ ‘I pull you in to feel your heartbeat, can you hear me screaming “please don’t leave me”’ _

Luke stood in front of the dingy hospital sink scrubbing his hands to the bone, the feel of Alex’s blood coating his hands stuck on repeat. The blood painted bathroom haunting his mind, the terror sinking into his bones, the ice running through his brain when he broke the door down. The scars that litter Alex's fair, delicate skin are a reminder of how he failed. He wasn’t enough, he’s never been enough. Not good enough to be the perfect sun for his parents, not good enough to save Alex from his demons, not good enough to save Reggie from his parents.  _ NOT ENOUGH, never enough.  _

_ ‘Hold on, I still want you. Come back I still need you’ _

One day, in the silence of the hospital room Alex’s limp hand in his own, he whispered to the sky everything he never said. Everything he should’ve said now lost into the universe, the weight in his chest disappearing into nothing. The weight of the unknown filling the space the words left in their absence, a new burden to follow him around. 

_ ‘Let me take your hand, I’ll make it right’ _

Alex’s hand feels small in his own. The blonde’s hand is small and soft in contrast to his own calloused and cracked one, a reflection of themselves. One wears the battle scars of life, worn with blood and bruises from over the years. In that too small hospital room Luke presses a gentle, chastise kiss to Alex’s knuckles. He makes a promise as his lips brush over Alex’s knuckle, he promises to save him with everything he’s got, even if it means losing himself in the process, he’s gonna save him with everything he’s got to give. Nothing is worth anything to him compared to the blonde laying unmoving in the hospital bed.

_ ‘I swear to love you all my life’ _

2 months after leaving the hospital, the two of them lay on the empty pier at 2:30 in the morning, lost in the night sky and endlessly consuming thoughts. Alex hand unconsciously rubs up and down his arm, mind lost in the night sky and the infinite of the stars. A genuine carefree smile on his face for the first time since he was 10 years old and learnt what gay means. Alex’s face glowed in the night, bathed in the moonlight. Letting any worry dissipate he gives into his instincts and threads his fingers through Alex’s, holding his breath. All tension melts away when the blonde doesn’t pull away, taking the chance to shuffle closer into the taller’s side, eyes still lost in the sky, a giddy smile on his face. An all encompassing spreads throughout him, he knows he’s completely gone in that moment, lost to warm blue eyes and golden blonde hair. He knew he was completely and utterly fucked.

_ ‘Hold on, I still need you’ _

He’ll always need Alex.

_ ‘I don’t wanna let go, I know i’m not that strong’ _

He’d never be strong enough to let him go, he’d never want to be strong enough. His songs are his stories are about them, the songs are them. God, when he thought Alex was dead for those first few terrifying seconds, nothing would ever tear him apart the way that did. Slowly, over months and months he worked to build up Alex’s self esteem, helped him through every panic attack that sent him spiraling, helped him break his ideals on being perfect. 

_ ‘I just wanna hear you, saying baby let’s go home’ _

Nights were spent stargazing and being lost in the world of the two of them. 2 years passed of it being the two of them against the world, Reggie and Bobby loyally standing by their sides. If nothing else they’d always be family, they’d never leave each other completely. He wanted so badly to be angry at Alex when he asked for them to take a break, to put a pause on their relationship, is it bad he wished that Alex had cried. 

_ ‘Yeah I just want to take you home’ _

They broke up at 18, lying to themselves about it being mutual. Luke took off, both going their own ways. He wanted to scream and punch, and maybe collapse in a heap of sobs. He found himself back at the pier and sat on the edge, legs swinging as the tears flowed. Luke stared with blurry eyes into the murky water, exploding in anger he pounds his fist into the wharf letting out an angry, ear piercing shout that echoed in the night. Years of pent up rage and pain, years spent just giving and giving he finally lost it, all of it out on display.

_ ‘Hold on, I still want you’ _

It didn’t take long for the band to sort themselves out. Finally, after years and years of letting everything pile up he let himself feel, let the emotions out of the cage they’d spent so long locked in. 19 came, they had finally started to recover and play like the band they once were, it meant too much to all of them to forget about the band. That night with the emotions fresh and raw he scribbled the lyrics down on the already tear-stained page, his writing even more illegible then normal. It wasn’t long after Luke 19th when Willie stumbled into the picture, followed by Julie. Alex looked so guilty and scared when Luke mentioned to him about Willie having a crush on the blonde, the relief when Luke told him he was happy for him. Despite the dull pain in his chest he’s genuinely happy for Alex, recently he’s found himself getting closer and closer to Julie. 

_ ‘Hold on, I still need you’ _

He let’s the final chord ring out through the now silent club, all listening intently as the last few lyrics echo. Luke embraces the roar of applause consuming the place. Julie, the girl that’s wormed her way into his heart with quick wit and sarcasm smiles up at him, looking breathtaking under the dull lighting. She had lost hours listening to him rant, worked through lyrics and melodies until her fingers bled. She helped him realise why he had to sing the song, why he had to sing it now. Julie helped him realise that he needs the closure, to say a final goodbye and let go of what once was to really move on. Alex is a mess, face red from crying as he frantically tries to wipe them away with his sleeve, but he gets it. Alex's face is awash with relief, the look in his eyes shows that he gets it, hand grasped firmly in Willie’s, the latter who looks to have a million thoughts running through his head but they’ll deal with that later. Maybe for them, saying goodbye is saying hello in disguise. Maybe the end of something is never really the end. 


End file.
